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~Our greatest wish is that our minds forget which our eyes have seen~
A few words which no doubt will strike a cord with many an EMS provider, a Firefighter, a Law Enforcement officer, or Dispatcher.
We all face the struggle of dealing with the hauntings of calls past. Just try to remeber this burden does not need to be your own.
I use to just absolutley love this time a year that is rapidly becoming upon us. The span of Thanksgiving through New Year’s was absolutley a great time for me, well part of me anyhow. It had nothing to do with Christmas carols or decorations, It for sure was not the snow, and really wasnt the craziness of famliy and friends gangbusting back into town to achieve a year worth of interactions into a whirlwind of a few days. No, actually the reason I loved this time of year alot more shallow actually. I use to love this time of year for the food, or rather the quantity of food available. I mean it should come as no surprise that almost every thing about this time of year is built as comfort and that wholesome feeling. What better way of achieving that is there than food? The turkey, ham, cookies, pie, cheese and crackers, stuffing and the list goes on and on. If there was a get together of anytime, holiday get together, festivous shin dig, christmas party or anything of the sorts I knew there was going to be a plethra of food. It is a embarissing and shameful to say but the careless self-destructive obese mind that still lingers just got rather giddy when I was typing that last part. Why though is the root behind some of my past weight gain. I am not going to sit here are cry that I was/am addicted to food, even though it makes some sense to me. Rather, food provided a sort of psychological comfort that I urned for on some level I think. Whether they were large social settings, intimate get togethers, or family moments food was the cominality and could always be a starting point to starting or ending a conversation. Obviously I have been doing a lot of sorting through repressed ideas and feelings while working through my weight. I have realized this year is going to be a challange for me, one of self control, one of inner strength, one of will power. It will be the first holiday season I have ever tried to get through with the firm mentality to not lapse or gain weight. Even if that means I have to be awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin when it comes to the social affairs.
Folks are regularly complimenting me on my weight lose and asking how much I have achieved.
And are amazed by it.
I am just about 80 pounds lighter, 4 sizes smaller in just under 6 months.
I appreciate their encouraging words and amazement at the feat. But when you are still severely obese even after that amount of weight it is hard to see through it. It is not that I am not happy with what I’ve done, it is more that I know how much more I have to go. And by default how much work it is going to take. I struggle day in and day out with this, as I should, but because of that struggle I do not feel as accomplished yet at what I have done. For I step on that scale and still see over 300 pounds looking back at me. Sure it is just a number, but a number I still am not happy with seeing.
With 6 months almost upon me I still have no answer for when people ask me how much I want to lose but I do know my next two short term goals.
Over 80lbs lost and under 300lbs.
I’m going to take this Motivation Monday post to pass on something I discovered. I have just come across a blog called The Anti-Jared and have been strumming through some of his post to pass time while on duty. One in particular though just brought it all together for me. I welled up, I felt relief, I had angst, I could strongly relate, and I understood those thoughts he was having in the moment. The post was 48 seconds on a treadmill helped me lose over 200 pounds, and those thoughts:
This is what weight loss is about. I was defeated. I hated eating less just to still be enormous. I hated the fact that I felt like people were laughing at me at the gym. I hated the fact that if I lost 100 pounds I would still weigh more than Chris Farley’s highest weight. I hated the fact that I had to lose 150 pounds just to buy clothes at a normal store. I hated the fact…
Were likely of doubt, low esteem and disappointment in him self. Which seems to be the exact opposite of what a Motivation Monday post is all about for me. What is motivational and inspirational is the realization at the ending of the post. That he wasn’t deterred by his initial let down of failure, or the amount of self-doubt. It was a starting point for change, whether he knew it of not. We may not be able to see where we are going, but we will always now where we have been.